Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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