I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I see more hoeing in ur future
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