I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
