Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
