i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
