You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
