omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
