Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
