Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
