Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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