I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
