The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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