don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
