I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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