Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
