I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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