I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
