So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
