I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
