Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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