i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The struggles of a small town man whore
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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