She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
