May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
