Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
