stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
