Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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