I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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