omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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