I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
