i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
