I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
