I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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