The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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