I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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