if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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