I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
