Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
