Got a toothbrush?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
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