I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
