So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
