Don't make out with my wife yet
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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