Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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