Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
