You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
