I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
