i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
