just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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