My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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