Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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