New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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