You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
